I don’t want my decision to self-publish to be some sign to others that I’m against traditional publishing. On the contrary, I hope to traditionally publish books once I’m done with this series. There were a few reasons I didn’t traditionally publish this book, namely, it’s a house of cards and I was afraid to let an editor touch it.

When I was writing Starlight Jewel, I had no idea that anyone was ever going to read it. I’ve probably started near a thousand books and never finished a first draft before SJ. I had been working on ways to get over that mid-book slump, but I didn’t actually expect those ways to work. I didn’t expect to finish SJ, much less edit it, much less publish and have people read it.

I don’t want my decision to self-publish to be some sign to others that I’m against traditional publishing. On the contrary, I hope to traditionally publish books once I’m done with this series. There were a few reasons I didn’t traditionally publish this book, namely, it’s a house of cards and I was afraid to let an editor touch it.

When I was writing Starlight Jewel, I had no idea that anyone was ever going to read it. I’ve probably started near a thousand books and never finished a first draft before SJ. I had been working on ways to get over that mid-book slump, but I didn’t actually expect those ways to work. I didn’t expect to finish SJ, much less edit it, much less publish and have people read it.

Turning the trash heap of a first draft into a presentable book still astounds me, but regardless of how great I think it turned out, it’s still made of trash. As in, all the elements that make it what it is were not created with readers in mind. When writing for myself, I could make things as complex and/or subtle as I wanted. I dropped in foreshadowing and hints for myself that no one could hope to pick up on because you don’t live in my head. Why? Sometimes I like to go back and revisit old stories after a few years, they’re always terrible, but I still like to leave myself a trail of fun breadcrumbs to see if I can find my way back into that world. Readers who don’t live in my head need a little more than breadcrumbs to follow a story.

And the overly complex parts? You know, like Axly being the hidden daughter of a kidnapped Van who was raised in a family of Ashites? A lot of small, weird details like that add up into a big mess that’s hard for readers to recall as they progress through the book. Complex worlds and character dynamics are exciting to me, however, they’re very hard to wrangle in a natural way in prose. When the book was just for me, that didn’t matter. I already knew everything, so if how Axly is related to Fria’lav isn’t clear in the book, who cares? I knew how they were related, so that’s what counted. Once I decided to start fixing the book, it became quickly apparent that no one was going to come out of the book with any clue as to what was going on.

Fixing this book so that my experience of the book/world would align with reader experiences was a grueling process that required a lot of tinkering and adding seemingly inconsequential details all over to build on later concepts. If you pull a card in this book, the whole thing comes tumbling down. I didn’t feel I could trust an editor (especially the sort they assign to new authors) to not botch the book. What if they had pulled a card needed to establish things in book two? Where would that have left me in my writing journey?

I also felt they might sharpen or soften the edges of SJ depending on the sort of publisher. I considered trying to get in with a Christian publisher, but the murder and violence and at times disturbing elements of the book made me feel they’d likely reject it outright or try to change things to make it more family friendly. On the flip side, I felt regular publishing companies might try to erase the morals and themes from the book, and maybe have me add some spice since that’s popular right now.

Finally, I felt like I wanted to test the waters without the pressure of deadlines for this series. I’m still learning and growing as a writer, and I don’t want the joy of it stolen from me. I figure this series will prove to me (and to potential publishers) that I can finish books in a timely fashion now that I know what I’m doing. I feel it’ll make negotiating with a publisher easier if they can see how much work I’m willing to put in and when I’m only accountable to myself. I spent hours every single day on this book for the last 2.5 years. Not just when I was in the exciting writing phase—1.5 of those years was editing and relearning to write and rewriting. That’s gotta count for somethin’ right? If it doesn’t, maybe I’ll just keep self-publishing, but it can’t hurt.